With Purpose
by Wondering What Breakfast Is
Summary: And sometimes, if I really try, I can convince myself what I did was right for us. But in the end, we all know it was an accident, with the worst of intentions, and the worst of outcomes. TamaHaru, onesided, reflective. R&R?


_**A/N: Hello all.**_

This is based off of chats, and real life, but don't take this too seriously. Bits and pieces are screwed up here and there. This was done for my best friend in the entire world, Dibby. We had an interesting night, so I wrote it from the real Haruhi's perspective.

Inspired by mnemechan's Code Geass Piano Medley on Youtube.

I hope you enjoy.  
  
xoxo

It's difficult when the person you love doesn't love you back at all.

It's even worse when you're bearing their child.

I know Tamaki loves him. And, in turn, he has a man who loves him back, no matter how much shit he puts him though. I've been waiting for someone who loves as much and as purely as he does, and now, I know I'll never find him.

The best has been taken. Simple as that.

I tell him how much I love him. It takes a lot of effort, considering he gets confessions everyday. I tell him he's beautiful, he's incredible, he's the best thing to ever happen to me, that I want him to be with me, and not Kyouya. I want him to know how much I love him, and that there will never be anyone else for me.

But he can't see past his damn fantasies of having kids with Kyouya, and being a perfect family, behind that white picket fence and the pressed suits. Perhaps he imagines Ootori coming home after a long day at headquarters with himself holding an apple pie in his hands, while his two daughters run and grab their "mommy's" legs.

I couldn't bear to yell at him for it. I wanted to scream at him, to strangle him, to tear him to shreds, but I listen to him, and his twisted imagination, and I agree with every word he says, even when I wish he'd just shut up and hold me.

If I were Kyouya, he'd do just as I want. He'd humour ever damn whim I had, and he would tell me how amazing I am while doing so. I wouldn't have to sit at his heels and beg for him to touch me. I am no one's dog. Except his. He knows I'm his bitch, but he would never use that against me.

Even when we fight, he remains as respectful as he can. I call him names, tell him how horrible he is, remind him how I want him dead. But he sits there and takes every insult, every cut I make, and occasionally delivers one back.

One time, I had stepped too far, and we both knew it. He got up, and started over to me. He was furious that I would even dream of dragging his mother into our own personal fight. She had nothing to do with it, but I wanted him to hurt. His mother was the easy way to break him, so I did it.

I never meant to make him cry.

In time, he forgave me, but we keep fighting. Sometimes, they get so bad, Kyouya has to pry us apart, and seriously step in. I think he knows what I feel, but he wants us to stay the same, all of us friends, and not enemies and lovers as we have become. He won't say a word, though. And he never will.

He knows it will never work in his favour. Or anyone's at all.

When he disappears for a while, I sit with Tamaki, and we talk, and laugh, and sometimes I get to hold his hand. I'll lean on his shoulder and think about how wonderful it is just being with him, but eventually, the reality of it all comes back, and I remember Kyouya, and Kaoru, and every other man that he was with, and it reminds me loving him has to be done from afar, or he'll accidentally break my heart.

He can't be with a woman. He can't be with a girl. He can't even be with a crossdresser, a hopeful like me. He needs a real man, and I can only hope to dress like one.

Hikaru loves me though. He said he's loved me for a while, and that since day one, he knew he wanted to be with me. And he dotes on me, and he promises me the world, because he wants my sole happiness.

But he can't give me Tamaki Suoh.

He'll let me have children, he'll marry me, pay for college, for law school, anything I want, he'll give me. But in turn, I have to stay loyal and faithful, even when he knows I'm bound to stray, and I know he has someone else. I'll stay with him as long as I can, but one day I'm going to hurt him beyond all repair.

Tamaki does the same to me.

When it's just the two of us, we experiment with each other. I'm playing little female slut, and he gets to be a bit of a homewrecker. And it's awful I think it's like that, but he's told me he only wants Kyouya. I keep begging for him, though. _Touch me, taste me, let me do the same to you, let me know what you're really like, let me feel you in places I won't let anyone else near. Please...  
_  
And eventually, he was okay with it. Tamaki gave me _exactly _what I wanted. Even to the most ridiculous request, he let me have it my way. He raises his voice at me, shouting that I forced him to do it. Or that I drugged him, intoxicated him, made him not himself. And maybe I did. Maybe it was my sick need for him that led to this. But he's just as vile, toying with my emotions, making me fall for him.

What will I tell my child when they grow older? That their parents didn't love each other, and were engaged to other people when they were conceived?

I guess being a bastard child with a missing parent is hereditary.

Everyday, I have to hide the ever-growing bump. A strategically-placed bag here, a frumpy sweater there. I can't let the Host Club know, nor can I tell my dad. But I'm starting to feel the product of obsession, and of boredom, grow inside, and the guilt gnaws at me. I'm a horrible daughter, a horrible fiance, student, friend, person for having this. But this is him. This is the only thing I'll have as proof that he loves me. Perhaps he'll leave Kyouya for the mother of his child, and maybe I'll get my wish.

But he'll be bitter, angry, apathetic. He won't be Tamaki. He'll be Mr. Suoh, with a daughter or son from Haruhi Fujioka. It's not love here.

It was just a mistake.

So I cradle my stomach, and sing sweet lullabies to my little Haruhi/Tamaki hybrid, and tell them fantastic stories of their father, and his friends, and of fairytales, and of dreams they may have. I talk about their grandfather, and the boy they'll probably call daddy. I speak of my first love, and of the boys that have given me so much, and shown me what the world can be like. I tell the possible boy how handsome he'll be, and how I'll raise him to be just like his father. I ask the possible girl to be better than me, and to have the happiness I may never have. I say that they'll be beautiful, handsome, incredible.

I just hope they believe a woman who lied and schemed her way into bed with a happily taken man.

xoxo

_**Another A/N: Dramatic!Julia is dramatic. Believe me, this is only a phase. Humour will be back soon, okay? I deal with humour and drama on a daily basis, and I tend to be more verbal with my humour, and put more dramtic scenes in my writing. BUT FEAR NOT. Julia will return.**_

Favourite line: "I wanted to scream at him, to strangle him, to tear him to shreds, but I listen to him, and his twisted imagination, and I agree with every word he says, even when I wish he'd just shut up and hold me. "

Yeah, I'm bringing on the teenage angst. D: life sucks, FML, and all that jazz. I know. But I swear this is a phase. okay?

Like it, love it, hate it? You know what to do with it.

Review it.


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